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(no subject)

as i retell the story, i see all the times we should of just bit out tongues and went with it. the times were i should of just called you and told you how i felt, how i thought you wouldn't care anyways. the times were i missed you so badly but wouldn't dare actually tell you. you know the vulnerable me. the me that doesnt care, that lets you take advantage of me. that lets you get the best of me, you dont truely know me, although i like to say you do. i feel as though you do know me thourgh and through. but maybe thats because i'm to scared to open up, and tell you the true me. im to scared because i dont want to be rejected. the fear of rejection gets me everytime. the fear that if i tell you the truth i will get made fun of, that youll just push me aside. you push me aside anyways, why should i fear that then? i fear it, for no real particular reason it seems. he knows that i will always be there for him, but when he doesnt want me to he knows he can just push me aside and ill wait for him. i shouldnt wait for him. but yet theres no one i can move onto. no one that seems to mesure up to him. i compare him to everyone. this just brings me back to my will power. my power to stop this. to let go of the apst and move on. i tink about evrything and how i want to be back there and change one thing, but i wouldn't be the way i am today if it wasn't for all those things. but yet i still want to go back. go back so i can have his attention for just a little while. his undivided attention, so we could just sit there adn talk. to be just one of the guys and listen to there stupid stories and beable to make those stupid jokes without anyone looking at me like i was crazy or to say ew. those days were it didnt matter what i was wearing. to play guns one more time. and see look im back with the whole past thing. i need the will power to let go, to be able to get over i wont be back there, there all just sweet memories... bitter sweet at that.
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(no subject)

i dont know why put once you just get in the right metallity, someone has to mess with your head. i dont know weither they know exactly when to do it, or its just good timing. weither he knows im just a sucker for him, and that somehow he'll always get me. that i can't be mean to him, that he knows i still love him no matter what, that id poor my heart out to him just so thatd he paid an ounce of attention to me, for atleast a couple hours. he knows that he wil get what he wants when it comes to me. he knows i wont hurt him, but that he will just crush me an in instant for someone better then me. i know i could fight this, but i cant. he means to much to me, but i know he shouldnt. then theres this other person, that makes me smile. he makes me feel so good about myself, that im worthy of something better. that i can stand up to him, and get rid of him, even though i secretly cant. that i will find someone so much better, that actually appreciates me. he tells me he cares about me. he tells me im beautiful, i tell him hes crazy. Then theres myself. the person i live with everyday. i smile through the pain and the ups and downs. ill just be my old crazy self through it all. i wont let on, dont worry about it, its nothing unusual.. besides all the changes and the confusion.  the changes between shy and crazy not caring. the crazy i dont care mood, but then he comes and ruins this mood.  i shouldnt let him ruin it. i wont let him ruin it anymore..
cause, geuss what..  i care..  Collapse )





 

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